Thursday, October 03, 2013

more writings

When you are fruitarian,you become anyone you want, and you get everything you really want, based on your emotions. They do not lie they know what you want. Your body knows you better than you know yourself. You will turn into exactly what you have secretly been wishing for. Your body has a memory of all that you think. It can morph into what it is you want to be. Just like magic. All you have to do is be patient. And feel and love and be important.
I am vegan for beauty reasons. I really want to glow and be pretty. I try really hard. It's not about just being pretty but feeling it, to one's self. I know that sounds vain but I am not perfect. That is why I did it. I am not going to lie, the year I left cooked food, I was on twelve antibiotic prescriptions that year. I thought this was normal. Now.. I feel a flow between others. I feel love. I feel I am love. I have connection. I feel emotions and things, highs are very high.

I realize my job isn't about getting what I need, but giving others what they need, in turn healing me. Saving others and seeing in others the gods they are but forgot. I no longer see dating men as getting vengeance on my past.. but rather as totally new experiences I could never expect. It's a constant process. I learned forgiveness is the key to freedom from our prisons. It's not just about raw foods but about the mind. Clean the body, the mind is clean.

Living foods helps my mind become the ideal self I have dreamed of being, all my childhood. It's idyllic and not for everybody but for those who want to feel the joy of life. I never enjoyed food more than I do now. It's not about hunger but satisfaction.

I just got the spiritual thing after including daily wheatgrass and energy soup everyday in my diet. I feel I have made a connection with my highest self. "When you pray, make sure you are the one who is listening" is what I am talking about.
A quote from CELEBUTANTES I read -The character is Cricket and she says "I 've gone raw, going raw vegan has made me unbelievably in tune with my body . Besides I heard Demi and Ashton shop at Erewhon. I feel it's really going to give me a comptetive edge over all the lifeless food eating actresses. "
If the ego is good, then why do we have people who go into trances and tell us, from a higher power speaking, that the ego is bad? They give a good argument.

Personally, I can see where the ego always makes me unhappy with myself...because I am never the person I want to be. I just am me.

I think what is good, changes everyay. This way, this path, this philosophy, this book, everything changes but its never the final answer on happiness. What never changes, inside me, is the quest for being a self I wish to be. I know who she is, I know her well. She is in my artwork and writings. That should be my true love.

Then I think, that is the ego, the soource of all unhappiness as some people say, but to me, that is a goal I want to try to attain in the following year.

DO I trust what is in me, or what advice I got outside myself? My self as I know it, knows I need to focus on me. Not outside of me. No love interest would make me happy. People do not treat well the ones who love them. They are afraid of them. I know I feel scared when people love me, It's scary. I think there is something wrong with them, like loony. Love is only to be felt for oneself.

But what is the oneself? Is it the listener inside of us when we talk? Or is the self the imagined being we wish we would be?
Please save me
I love you, I think you are beautiful. I think everything you do is so good. You shine with happiness and innocence and love. I am so happy to know you, to be so close. You are everything. I could be obsessed with you forever, it's all good, only good can come out of this, only goodness and kindness and health. I know you are exactly what you want to be, and you do and eat exactly what you want and I am ok with everything, there is nothing bad, only good.

 I just want your entire life to be lived in the now and I want all our pasts to be erased and nothing matters except this present. This is the only place to hide from the past and from the future. Here and now, inside life. This is the time to make all dreams come true live it now.
I love you. I do , I love you and everything is perfect. You cannot make a mistake in life. You cannot. You do everything with well intentions, for the best and what matters is you. That is all. You.

You are so beautiful an you really are a star, a real star. You will be the greatest because that is what you are inside.
To my daughters, I swear I will give you nothing but love. EVER.
You are shy in person but so open on here, how fun! I saw you actually, in Costa Rica walking by vendors near Parque Manuel Antonio. I don't know who you are in reality of course, but later that day I kept wondering why that person looked so familiar, and then it hit me, "I read her blog!".
You are quite striking, and taller than I am, unless you were wearing tall shoes (I only remember your dress and a Tico or someone walking with you).
Small world. And I am a native of Ashland and have known the Boutenkos for years, and it was really fun to see you post about Oregon! Indeed, Oregon is full of govt-hating die hard hippies who want to blame everything on a few people in office, just gotta ignore them I guess and enjoy the good things.

I want to be beautiful?"

Is That True?
Can I absolutely know that this is TRUE?

 ( My first and second response were both YES! Of course, what a stupid question, but later I changed my I shall explain!)

How do I feel, How do I react? What happens when I believe the thought
"I want to be beautiful?"
I feel not good enough. Like beauty is this idea out there, that I see around me, not inside. That I somehow have to conform to a standard. I feel so desperate for it, I will do anything to get it, and pay anything. I will think about it 24-7, for every year of my life since I was little. Have I gotten any more beautiful? Maybe to others, but never to me.

I want to be beautiful, the belief, the religion I have puts me always out there trying harder and harder. I treat others as if they were not there because I am so into me and my act, and being beautiful and am I beautiful to them?

I treat myself like a failure. When I look in the mirror and say "I want to be beautiful".

 I am looking so deep, for something, a glimmer of it..and I seek and seek, in window shop windows, and in others eyes. I try to see it somewhere elusive.  In shadows, when I am skinny maybe, for a second...maybe in this one photo...Sometimes under certain lighting I see it.

Addictions manifest when I believe that "I want to be beautiful" I over spend. I shop alot. I buy and buy. I spend alot of time in salons. Obsessions take over, I idolize Marilyn Monroe and spend alot of time on her, reading, movies, etc.. I have idolized girlfriends, I have put hem on pedestals. I have followed the lives of famous sirens. I envy. Worship, stick up for..and spend alot of time thinking.

I create a character out of my life, and try to play this part. A vamp of course. A man killer. I want IT so bad..I label myself, but yet, has it given me what I want which is to look in the mirror and see something not there before?

Men who say they love me, they do not love me , they love who I am pretending to be. If they knew who I really was..I fear I fear...

 My mind travels to all sorts of places, when I believe this thought"I want to be beautiful". I travel to all the times where I have seen myself as ugly or pitiful.

I fear if I do not believe the thought "I want to be beautiful", if I do not follow that religion that I will become ugly.

 This thought brings me stress.

I thought it was a good thing to "I want to be beautiful" But it creates so much lack and ugliness. "Wanting to be beautiful", will never make me  pretty myself.

The relationship to myself is the only one that matters.

I am in a love affair with myself. It's the greatest of all. The best I will ever have. The only real one.


Who am I , without the thought, "I want to be beautiful"?

I am inside of me. I am happy here. I am the real me. I am safe. I am like a child, I live inside.

If I could never think that, IF, I could not..I am a girl, a female filled with love and hormones. My body knows what it knows and what it wants. I can fully manage on my own body. I can move and express so much internal emotion. I can express sensuality I have inside, on my own.

If I could never want to be beautiful again, my future would be one where I am protected and internal. I am safe here and happy. I am me, inside, a warm and kind to myself person. I feel lots of hormones, I please myself and want what pleases me. I am more animal. I live for me. I am this female, a wild animal. I have a body. I have these things inside me which tell me what to do and what fills my hunger,

If I never believed the thought, "I want to be beautiful" or thought that before, my life would be a lot different. I would have a lot more money. I would take care of myself inside. I would have given my real self what it needs.  Without the thought I treat myself better, I actually am with myself rather than out there somewhere in space. I would probably have all that I want already..

I would treat others with love and I would give people the real me, which is so so so so intensly and incredibly ravishingly hauntingly to die for beauty.


Turn arounds:

I do not want to be beautiful
 ( I meditated on this in my head over and over I repeated until I came up with these

No, I do not want to be beautiful, because that is something ugly people want. ( powerful).

I want to be me, I want to be free. I want to be liberated. I want to give myself back to me.

"I do not want to be beautiful" statement IS true because I am more important than everything. My internal life is more important than wishing for things outside of me. I want to follow my body, not trends. I want to follow my hormones and chemicals, not fantasies. I do not want to be beautiful, I want to be me, an animal. A real human.

I am beautiful so why should I want it? IF I AM IT?
"My thinking wants to be beautiful"

Raw Gazpacho

Raw nori Roll with olives pecan pate

Pecan pate nut raw

Raw pie frozen

Lavender oil I helped distill

( Meditated on this too)

My confused mind has wanted this all my life with no results, I still am not beautiful to myself. So what I have been thinking has been wrong!!

My head and its unquestioned belief has tormented me for so many years...trying trying trying buying buying buying, looking seeking following...every single day forever like a broken robot.

It's only my thinking that has wanted me to be be beautiful ..what I never noticed was that, it's insane..~!

I am so glad to shine light on this spider web ridden ancient untrue belief that causes so much pain and not-good-enough-yet life.


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