Wednesday, November 30, 2011


God is that, whatever, that you can hang on to --that will give me-- whatever it is in life that I want. Its THE thing I look for in everything, it is the answer to all problems ever asked. Its the one for sure thing that I can latch onto knowing it will take me wherever it is I want to be, The number one thing the answer the key the focus, its really there. To connect with. Its the answer, because as a human, I inherently know, that this is the secret to life. There has to be this to make life worth living. Everything points to its existence.

Is it the brain? Is it death? Is it stillness and rot? Or is it life, whatever it is it is power. Power. As a single word. Its the source of all power. Its purity, its good, its the self, its I. Its I getting what I want. It is what I want. Its everything I wish for, which is good. The best for me is getting my dreams answered.

the genie. the lamp that cannot deny anybody anything, that is god. That is everything.
God is the answer to every problem. every one. its the way to anything that is impossible. Man knowing and being anything is in the image of god.

Me and Coral Gables Mall

Raw Vegan Cabbage Salad

I wrote this a long time ago about who my ideal woman is

My life is going to be about creating ideas, the highest and newest ideas that I have never heard of, in my language. These  ideas have to be original and stem from my own mind. I want whatever I write to ring truth, without any contradiction. I want to call an apple an apple. I want to say the truth. I want to say what I mean, and am thinking. I want to only serve me. I want me to be my guide, and I want me to be the infallible way. I want the way I do it to be the only way and the best way. I want perfection. I want to trust in my higher self, I am high, I want to bring what is possible down to me. I want to celebrate life and ideas. I want my life to be for those ideas that are so great. Ideas that are real. Ideas that move me. I want nothing to stand in my way. I want to breathe Ideas. I want to reach pinnacles of pleasure in my mind. I really want to be successful. I want to enjoy what I do. I want to love what I find out. I want to get inside my mind and really come up with something that will work for me. I want to find the greatness in me, This greatness I know and I want to find and write about! I want to know what the ideal woman is for me. Noone else's, this is my world. My woman, who has a mind that is so great, with the greatest intelligence. She moves the world. The world moves with her. A superhuman, if possible in reality would be who she is.
I also have got to get used to typing, I have to find a comfortable seat, that gives me good posture.
A superhuman would have to be someone a woman who looks at herself and thinks, I am the most amazing thing in the world. I am so great, I am beyond what I thought was genius. I am genius and I am thought force. I am powerful. I am powerful in the physical reality as well.
Where would the ideal woman get this? By earning it herself. everything she does, everything she touches is done perfectly. She puts so much effort in doing a good job and being perfect. She learns and is brilliant by trial and error. She nevermakes a miskae, knowing she made one She never letsone thing pass that is not absolutely perfect. She wors for herself. She lives for her work. Her work is her lover and all she wants is how to do it right. She does it all right, the right way and has many wonderful skills. She can do all that she sets out to do.
She is organized and skilled and only depends on her work and perfection. Everything she does is well thought out and well planned. She masters all she does very shortly. She watched others and imitates what she likes. She realized there is a process to everything.
She does not think once of those who are beneath her, her motto is rejection of the unwanted. Even rejection of the contemplation. What is evil is evil and she knows this right off the bat. She rejects it and does not give it a thought at all. She chooses good over everything, never suffering or dwelling once over anything stupid.

I wrote this about what I think work is

Work- what is work and what is it for? Work is to create self esteem. It can be work for others or it can be work for myself. I can do both or one. The ideal and the highest is to work for oneself. Think of all the time and energy soent on myspace or emails. that is work, but a waste, because you do not make a living off it. You are bascially working for free, for nothing. That same energy, if put to productive use, can be the same kind of outlet those others time consumers are. Its just getting bad of a bad habit to replace it with good.
 does one have a time slot where one works solidly, like an hour or 7 hours? And if so, what are the rules.
At work, is it ok to check emails and do other things, a little bit? Well, no, because doing things a little bit will eventually turn into way lot. Plus work is for self esteem. Emails and blogging can be replaced with finishing large tasks and accomplishing what takes others days, in minutes. Plus what do email and blogging do back for you anyways? Nothing. What does working and feeling so confident that nothing can penetrate you, noone can mess with you and there is no guilt at all, that needs fixing. Nothing needs fixing when everything is perfect. That is a day spent perfectly. Work is the only thing that gives you self esteem. That is it. How well you do what you love and can you make a living off it? That is tremendous self worth. Stop with the wastes of time not only in the workplace but also at home. Emails, celebrity news, even world news sometimes, a big waste of time. I will tell you what is on the news at all time: some new big sky is falling scam, some twisted and/or very false medical discovery, journalists just making up stuff, or another political issue argued, hypocritical sex scandal, or some pretty blonde missing. Waste of time. Nothing to do with your life and your work. My time is mine for me, my thoughts need to be the ones I need to spend on my work.

It is not about sneaking around so the boss does not catch you goofing off, it's about showing yourself you can work at top skill. It's about proving to myself I work . Plus anything I do, it is about me. I need to impress myself

An article I wrote about Thoughts

Thoughts. Thoughts are choices. I cannot think something and think its ok to think about, as long as I but not do. If I commit a crime in my thoughts, its the same as doing it in real life..morally.

 If I dream about eating a greasy taco, I might as well be doing it. If I dream of raping someone, Its like I have done it, to myself, in my own eyes. If I have difficulty in my thoughts about how to deal with an issue, it is like I really am impotent in real life with that issue. Yes,
thoughts are reality.

People say there is an alternate universe, the only one we have is our thoughts. That is the alternate universe. Our minds.

If there is something I am paranoid about in my thoughts, then there is the same chance that person is my enemy is real life. As long as that person hurts me in my mind, to me, that person is bad, in my real life. I can monitor these and reject thoughts, but ignore them, denial, I can't.

When I say, " What IS my life right now?" anything I am ashamed of is a good sign that it is wrong and I need to cut it out. I need to cut that out of my thoughts as well, maybe that part comes first and vice versa.  Anything I am proud of is what is good and what I deserve.

If you do one thing bad in love, it poisons all the other good things you have going for you, in that area , the achievements and the getting further. So does choosing better in one area fixes all areas.
Or in work, if you do one thing bad, it poisons all the good work you have done.
Same with thoughts. One bad thought poisons all.

SO what should one think of? One should always think of work. And the right thing, of what is the right thing, how can I , this, benefit me? What benefits me, Me, loving and doing right for me. Doing the best for me. So basically thinking about me, and my work, my plans and my choices I will make.

I need to always think of doing the right thing, whether it is working or what choices I make as in the right foods, or who I hang out with, as in the absolute best people.
What is the difference between trusting my intuition or my hims and feelings. I know there is a dichotomy there. I know it, but I need to differentiate. Whims and feelings are just things or moods I get in. SOmetimes I make the wrong choice or think a bad choice is ok, but son enough I realize my mistake, sometime after taking an action. So are my decision making faculties whims as well, how do I know when I have made a right decision? I feel good. Is that a gauge. How come sometimes I feel bad afterwards but good before? So moods and feelings, are they accurate? Is a feeling of great comfort a sign of good> and a sign or embarrassment a sign of bad? Do I get feelings something is bad, and when I feel it, what do I do> Well, if it is bad, I leave it, and if it is good, I know it is good for me. Are those the signs I should be looking for? I mean, if I crave a hamburger and I want it, does that mean it is good. It is good because I have the craving, but it is bad because it is dead fod and will make me feel dead afterwards, maybe for aweek. So I guess what is good and bad, is what is good in long term.

What is good in long term? Well, thoughts, wise, in health, ballet class, exercise and jogging. In food, raw living foods like greens, germinated nuts and seeds and fruits. Fruits being the ideal fruit. Dates, ok, a little seaweed, fine/. Salt, vinegar I should stay away from like the plague. Also what about tea and caffeine? I should stay away from that stuff because it makes me gain weight. cacao might help me write but at what cost, my face getting fat. I have proof of it. Relationships. I need to to stay away, just keep as friends, bad relationships. Is George a friend or foe? I can say he is not good for me. I do not trust him. Yes , I may have done bad to him, but in the end, I will stay friends with him, but I cannot continue what is goig on between us. There is too much sadness and pain there. I can be friendly to him. But I cannot see him. I almost have o treat him the same as the men I do not speak to, or were mistakes. I know we have a past together, but we have no future. Me an George, have no future. It is death. I know it and feel it, and I am not mistaken. I want men of ability. it is what I hold myself up to. Ability.

If I hold others to that, then why don't I do it myself, why not hold myself to being a girl of talent and ability. What is talent. It is doing something better than others. So why don't I learn to type as well as I breathe, drive and own a car, have a kick ass new apartment, new regular love and have an incredible writing ability. I I am bored with my writing, then my readers and story is boring. I have to make it more interesting. if my death characters have death, then I have to give my life characters life.

Another thing, my life really is wonderful and exciting. I am having fun. Life is great. Is this going to continue? I would like to look younger. The improvement of the fruit and the improvement of thoughts should improve.  My thoughts all revolve around I. Anything that makes I better, I do. I want to be beautiful. I need to stay skinny, under 105 lbs is perfect. I need also to feel pleasure. I need my body to be pleasure. I want to feel good things. I want to walk and feel young. I want to look good and be classy, as a feeling. I want to be clean and stylish. I want to make the betterment of me my passion. My book will have all this. My book will be about a great character. It will be great. It will no longer be about a dead past but about a very alive present I want to be in with real villains and real heroes.

Thoughts. What are thoughts. Thoughts are not reality. reality is the universe, thoughts are an alternate. Reality exists no matter what we think. Lets just say I am a big amoeba. Well, how can I be the best amoeba there is, how can I be the first to do something that totally furthers amoeba life. Almost like a super amoeba? Can I be the best amoeba out there? Am I a hero to amoebas or to amoeba men? Can I really produce and be a genius? Can I be an authority amoeba? I think I have what it takes to be areal succesful writer, published and famous. I have it. I do, I have a love for it. Unlike Henry Miller, I want my philosophy to be for highest things. The noblest, I want myself to be transformed by my writings, I do not want to think of anyone else but me, I am grown up. I am separated, I am a brand name and what does my name stand for? Genius. My name stands for those genius Ideas I am famous for. the greatest of ideals, the greatest of thoughts. The greatest me. I write only for me. I write novels only about me and my characters, the greatest ones, inside.

Does raw cacao really help my writing? Or does it distract me more. I am not sure. It makes me hungry for sure. Why does it make some humgry and others skinny? What is it with me? I eat, I do not like to eat. I think it is the spices thatmake me eat. Not the food. I need to not have any sauces spices or salts on my food, but eat natural hygeinic.

Ok so what is good for food and bad? I have to say based on what I want to look like and who I want to be, I can only have living food like plants, nuts and seeds and fruits raw. nothing shelved and nothing dried. That excludes alot from my diet and I will have to throw out a lot of stuff and neer buy again. What about spirulina? Well I have been craving it. Why? What will spirulina do for me? I have to find out, does it really give me a boost and why? Does it give me any side effects or make me eat more?Caao makes me eat more long term.
If I spend one week eating hygeinically without one mistake I might go into a cleansing process. a cleansing. I think i am going to try that starting tommorow.

Also I need to spend more time in reality. It is so wonderful. In reality everything is right. If I do good, reality is always good. I do good in my mind, so that my reality is filled with beauty. I need to be the guardian to my mind. The guardian lets only good in.
The guardian keeps bad out. I want to be that for my brain, which is the absolute best thing.

Who wrote this, did I?

Being a fruitarian means many things. It can mean eating only raw fruit. Or it could mean making fruit the main thing one eats. A vegetarian does not only eat vegetables nor should a fruitarian eat only fruit. To others it coould mean sweet fruit or non sweet fruits added. Non sweet fruits are fruits like squashes and tomatoes. Fruit is anything with seeds. Some people call a
coconut a fruit, others call it a nut. This is pretty basic stuff. Fruitarianism as a way of life is practiced by many. Part time, full time, as fasting or as a cleansing. Some do it to heal themselves of cancer, like Johanna Brandt who wrote the Grape Cure.
There are many books out there written by fruitarians. 10, 15, 20 year fruitarians. Some are down to earth, others are spiritual.
It is not easy to do this, to eat only fruit. One has to slay many dragons and deal with mortality, and the illnesses one has aquired all through their lives before doing this. One has to deal with cravings. Social situation, dates, coworkers, friends. You might feel alienated or you might feel more normal than ever before. You will lose weight and keep it off for good. All of it. You will have to deal with bland supermarket fruit at times.
Nothing like fruitarian euphoria. Nothing like it. The taste of perfectly ripe fruit on a day where nothing else exists but that heaven in your mouth. It happens and it feels so awesome. it will put you in a good mood for days.


When you do raw vegan diet so long you begin to take it for granted. I noticed time just flew. Where did it go? So much was lost when I deleted my raw vegan online diary. My whole soul felt empty. I had no one to talk to. I have no one to tell the adventures I had. I was very honest. I did lie about some things, but you cant always tell the truth when talking in real time to the entire world. Some things were left unsaid as they should have been. I want to be loved by almost everyone. I have this fear of being un liked. I want to give out love and give out help and inspiration. I want to be inspiration to be a raw vegan. I always wanted it. But right now I need the inspo as I get back on. I want the love. I want romance. In all things. Some people say just trust in fruit. I believe that. But like so many fruitarians, I don't want fruit to be everything. Like that's the only thing I think about. I want to be beautiful. I do. Not in a vain way, but in a way I can give to the world, that you can have this too. I want to be witty and classy. I want to have good manners. I want to be eloquent and make sense.

I think that Juice fasting is re training your mind. Already I am thinking of food. I am. I don't really like food to begin with. My mom gave me a ride and we talked. She gets so sick after eating things like ice cream and cheese, and is disgusted physically by fried foods. Cooked food is addicting, because it doesn't give back, or make you beautiful. It is like smoking, it feels good, but it doesn't actually do anything for you. Cooked food is like a drug, you crave and then you eat, and you feel disgusted. You do it so much that nothing happens. But it's a slow death. You starve yourself to be thin and you eat to forget and you eat not to think.I will live a different kind of life. I will. I will live for myself and my work. That's all. There is nothing else.I have to go back to work. I came home from my break. I no longer am who I thought I was.Being just a pretty girl, its totally useless. I need to be phenomenal in my mind. I need to attain and work harder than I ever imagined. I need to sweat over manuscripts. I need to have myself as a boss. I need to.

I felt good today. I did, yesterday the OJ fast was hard, but today I was beautiful, and I felt it. I know what I want.
I do. I know what I want, and the thing is how do I get it? What is stopping me? Imaginary nothing are stopping me.  I want, its a secret. I can't tell anybody.

Fasting makes me realize how much things bother me. Like my job. I am working for people who are absolutely talented and loaded. I told you I admire that, and want that for myself, but I cannot have that working for anyone else but me. Even if I am loaded and still working for someone else, it is all for nothing, my life is all for nothing. I need to work for me and be my own boss. I need to work hard, very hard , and never stop, just be a machine. And use my brain to think. I cannot love anyone but myself until I have succeeded, and I must dedicate my life to my work. I want this more than anything.

There are intense feelings of beauty joy and hate on fasting. I 
go through so many moods. I lay in the bathtub tonight feeling all that was wrong in my life. What is wrong for me, that everyday I do, and I don't even think about it. I go to work, a job, that on the outside is rewarding, but on the inside..I cannot stand to be the one not in charge of my brain. I ask myself, where did my brain go? My brain went to furthering someone else's work, all day. Literally all day.

I have everything I need to do it now. To work and live for myself, to be a writer, to create new ways of being. I have everything. I know I want to live for myself.
Thing is, at work, I am an overworker, yet that is to hide the fact that I really don't like how I feel, and am, and what I am,  there, nor my position, nor the way I see myself at someone else's business. I see greatness and it shames me.. It is not me. I am not an assistant, nor an office girl, I am a creator. I am.

Humans are indeed capable, and very powerful. What I want is probably the biggest thing of my entire life. I realize, I have never trusted myself growing up. Ever, I was a survivor, trying to survive and wasting my brain on braindead things.

I love being raw vegan

Papayas in Miami

Mango Smoothie

Raw Vegan Pea Salad sprouts


blackberry tahini salad

fruit stand miami

suvine mado at deering estate

I love photographs

My fruit farm friends tree house

My friends backyard- a papaya tree!

Coconut Grove Miami I took all these

Biltmore Hotel Golf Course

Raw Vegan Toronto

Raw Vegan living

grapefruit and raw gazpacho

Bahamas cruise
Fruitarian Meal

Self Portrait

fruit and spice park- joboticaba fruit, sooo yummy. I ate these when I was in Paraguay too

asian art in fruit

green smoothie retreat in oregon

Raw Vegan girl


Thats me in FRANCE, a grand estate of a DUKE who lived in a small town. He had his own graveyard. And tomb.

 Zucchini hummus no fat raw vegan

Raw vegan life


My blender

Raw Vegan dessert Ann Wigmore Retreat

Raw Vegan Birthday Parfait

Green Rollies are energy soup with banana dehydrated into rollies

Me and ARNIE

Raw vegan diet

Thai Coconut Water Glaser Farms

Raw Vegan Mexican

Raw Vegan Meal

Green Rollies Raw Vegan

Blueberry smoothie

Raw vegan food