Wednesday, November 30, 2011


When you do raw vegan diet so long you begin to take it for granted. I noticed time just flew. Where did it go? So much was lost when I deleted my raw vegan online diary. My whole soul felt empty. I had no one to talk to. I have no one to tell the adventures I had. I was very honest. I did lie about some things, but you cant always tell the truth when talking in real time to the entire world. Some things were left unsaid as they should have been. I want to be loved by almost everyone. I have this fear of being un liked. I want to give out love and give out help and inspiration. I want to be inspiration to be a raw vegan. I always wanted it. But right now I need the inspo as I get back on. I want the love. I want romance. In all things. Some people say just trust in fruit. I believe that. But like so many fruitarians, I don't want fruit to be everything. Like that's the only thing I think about. I want to be beautiful. I do. Not in a vain way, but in a way I can give to the world, that you can have this too. I want to be witty and classy. I want to have good manners. I want to be eloquent and make sense.

I think that Juice fasting is re training your mind. Already I am thinking of food. I am. I don't really like food to begin with. My mom gave me a ride and we talked. She gets so sick after eating things like ice cream and cheese, and is disgusted physically by fried foods. Cooked food is addicting, because it doesn't give back, or make you beautiful. It is like smoking, it feels good, but it doesn't actually do anything for you. Cooked food is like a drug, you crave and then you eat, and you feel disgusted. You do it so much that nothing happens. But it's a slow death. You starve yourself to be thin and you eat to forget and you eat not to think.I will live a different kind of life. I will. I will live for myself and my work. That's all. There is nothing else.I have to go back to work. I came home from my break. I no longer am who I thought I was.Being just a pretty girl, its totally useless. I need to be phenomenal in my mind. I need to attain and work harder than I ever imagined. I need to sweat over manuscripts. I need to have myself as a boss. I need to.

I felt good today. I did, yesterday the OJ fast was hard, but today I was beautiful, and I felt it. I know what I want.
I do. I know what I want, and the thing is how do I get it? What is stopping me? Imaginary nothing are stopping me.  I want, its a secret. I can't tell anybody.

Fasting makes me realize how much things bother me. Like my job. I am working for people who are absolutely talented and loaded. I told you I admire that, and want that for myself, but I cannot have that working for anyone else but me. Even if I am loaded and still working for someone else, it is all for nothing, my life is all for nothing. I need to work for me and be my own boss. I need to work hard, very hard , and never stop, just be a machine. And use my brain to think. I cannot love anyone but myself until I have succeeded, and I must dedicate my life to my work. I want this more than anything.

There are intense feelings of beauty joy and hate on fasting. I 
go through so many moods. I lay in the bathtub tonight feeling all that was wrong in my life. What is wrong for me, that everyday I do, and I don't even think about it. I go to work, a job, that on the outside is rewarding, but on the inside..I cannot stand to be the one not in charge of my brain. I ask myself, where did my brain go? My brain went to furthering someone else's work, all day. Literally all day.

I have everything I need to do it now. To work and live for myself, to be a writer, to create new ways of being. I have everything. I know I want to live for myself.
Thing is, at work, I am an overworker, yet that is to hide the fact that I really don't like how I feel, and am, and what I am,  there, nor my position, nor the way I see myself at someone else's business. I see greatness and it shames me.. It is not me. I am not an assistant, nor an office girl, I am a creator. I am.

Humans are indeed capable, and very powerful. What I want is probably the biggest thing of my entire life. I realize, I have never trusted myself growing up. Ever, I was a survivor, trying to survive and wasting my brain on braindead things.

1 comment:

  1. I'm glad you're writing again!! I've really missed your blog.