WHEN I WAS FRUITARIAN

SOME WRITINGS WHEN I WAS A FRUITARIAN

Only bananas and celery, in smoothies and alone.

I noticed a change right away. I woke up , wanted to get fresh air, to get out of bed, to get the sun on me. I was so excited and planned my day.

I feel different right away. More energy and I feel happy and I can do more stuff. I feel guided, I feel I have a purpose and a way, a path. Nothing can stop me on my journey.

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I do not have alot of money, but I have beauty. I am forgiving and dress nice. I like sex and am insatiable. I am clean and disease free. My blood is clean. I am intelligent and can read a book a night, of any subject. I can throw dinner parties and cook. I impress everyone I meet. I love children and am responsible. No drugs. Long hair, eager to please sexually, will do anything to get what I want... etc etc..


Everyone he has introduced me to, I have found their cards in my bag or maybe they gave it to me. Any excuse to tell me where they hang out, live or asking me for an answer and here is my number so I can get that answer from you. Guys hide wedding rings too.

/ From http://sdhc.sdstate.org/davidallanevans/essays/stoneage.html
-Stone Age Football

I read an article in a newspaper with the heading, “Gorgeous Women Affect Men’s Brains like Cocaine.” The article told about a study that showed that looking at beautiful women activates the “reward circuits” of the male brain in the same way cocaine and food do. Beauty, the study concluded, is hard-wired and not, as many postmodernists assume, socially constructed.

One doesn’t have to read Darwin to know that the effect of beauty on a man has a strong biological basis.
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Why Beautiful Women Are Dating Ugly Men
Ever noticed a gorgeous woman on the arm of an ugly duckling of a guy (who has no chance of turning into a swan) and wondered why?
Well recent research has found that women are attracted by the sound of a man's voice whereas men are attracted by a woman's pretty face. Research conducted by Coren Apicella of Harvard University, with David Feinberg of McMaster University and Frank Marlowe of Florida State University, may have found why this is so. Their research published in the journal Biology Letters is the first to work out whether a sexy voice affects what researchers call "Darwinian fitness".
In previous studies, they have shown that women find deeper male voices to be more attractive, judging them to be more dominant, older, healthier and more masculine sounding. And they are particularly drawn to a booming drawl when they are at the peak of fertility.
Men, on the other hand, find higher-pitch voices in women more attractive, subordinate, feminine, healthier and younger sounding.
"While we find in this new study that voice pitch is not related to offspring mortality rates," says Feinberg, "We find that men with low voice pitch have higher reproductive success and more children born to them." While a deep voice was a kind of mating call that made women more frisky, the pitch of a woman's voice did not seem to matter much.
The subjects for this study were the Hadza of Tanzania, one of the last true hunter-gatherer cultures. "Their lifestyle reflects how humans lived during much of their evolutionary history, they provide a window to our past", says Apicella. Because the Hadza have no modern birth control, the researchers were able to determine from studies of around 100 men and women in nine different camps that men who have lower pitched voices have more children than men with higher pitched voices. During the research men were asked to speak into a microphone the word 'hujambo' which loosely translates to 'hello' in English.
"While we don't know the exact reason that these men with deeper voices have fathered more children, it may be that they have increased access to mates, begin reproducing at an earlier age or their wives have shorter inter-birth intervals because they provide more food to them," says Apicella.
At one time, men and women's voices may have been closer in pitch. Over the course of human history, men's voices may have become deeper as baritones won out over tenors in the gene pool. It is no accident that boys voices don't get deeper until puberty, when testosterone kicks in and makes the vocal chords grow longer and thicker to impress the ladies.
And according to another group of researchers from Harvard University a beautiful woman's face is like chocolate, cash or cocaine to a young man's brain.
Their brain-imaging study revealed that while young heterosexual males are indeed capable of finding beauty in another man's face, only a lovely female visage can set off the "reward centers" in their brains. When men in the study were shown pictures of various faces, only the female faces deemed beautiful triggered activity in brain regions previously associated with food, drugs and money, according to findings published in the November 8th issue of Neuron. The unique effect of the comely female face occurred despite the fact that the men also rated some male faces as "beautiful." "It looks like there can be a difference between what the brain 'likes,' an image that is judged to be attractive, and what the brain 'wants,' something that is regarded as a reward in and of itself," study author Dr. Hans Breiter, of Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston, said in a statement. In their experiments, the researchers first asked a group of men to rate how attractive they found the faces--which, unbeknownst to the participants, had already been placed into the categories "beautiful" or "average." The men's ratings, it turned out, fell in line with the categories, and attractive male faces garnered ratings similar to attractive female faces. But in the next phase of the study, men in another group were allowed to control how long they viewed a particular face by pressing a key. Breiter's team found that they "expended effort" to see the beautiful female faces for a longer time, but for all other faces they tried only to "make the faces disappear faster." Finally, in a third group of men studied with brain imaging known as functional MRI, the investigators found that only the attractive female faces set off the brain's "reward circuitry." "It's particularly interesting that the attractive male faces actually produced what could be considered an aversion response, even though they had been recognized as attractive," Breiter said. His co-author, Dr. Nancy Etcoff, noted that this research echoes previous work suggesting the human perception of beauty may be "in-born." "While we know that experience, learning and personal idiosyncrasies all have an impact on attraction between particular individuals, these results show that this basic reward response is deeply seated in human nature," she said in a statement. SOURCE: Neuron 2001;32:537-551.
According to Derek Collinson, founder of the worlds leading dating site for dog lovers, this can be a problem for dating site owners because many women do not add pictures to their profiles and the majority of men don't add a recording of their voice or for example add a video To make matters worse many women deliberately don't add their picture believing that if a man is only interested in the way they look then he's not worth bothering with!
Derek adds Unfortunately some women assume that a mans attraction to a woman's face is superficial and that all men are looking for is some kind of perfect face but this is not the case.!
Someone once said that the eyes are the mirror of the soul and I believe that most men can read or sense what a woman is all about just by looking at her face - whether that face is one seen in a picture, a video or on the street so men are not as superficial as some women might think!
As to how you persuade more women to add pictures and men to add video to their profiles Derek's still searching for an answer to that one but he will not give up adding We have many features to ensure that compatible members are matched up including image, audio and even video upload but all of these are no use unless members use them. If members are serious about finding their soul mate they need to add their picture or a video to their profiles. And if they don't have an image on their computer but just a photo we will scan it and add the image to their profile free of charge!
The fact is that none of our members needs to go on a blind date because all members can one way or another add a picture or a video to their profile. Studies have shown that members who add a picture to their profile get twenty times more response than those who don't. And by adding a video to their profile they will get an even greater response!
So the message is clear when it comes to finding a soul mate online for single women one picture is worth a thousand word profile and single men need to upload a video or sound recording so that women can hear the sound of their voice!
Born and brought up in Scotland but now living in the Yorkshire Wolds. Derek Collinson now shares Findlay (A Spinone) and Florence and Serena(a Pointer and a cross br
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Everything I create is with power. The power of my mind is so amazing. I cannot weaken it. Active.

 I threw away my life for gifts of no real worth. I sold myself for pennies. Threw away dignity for a nice pair of shoes that wore out so fast. Nothing. Futile attempts at the self I think I created.

I am not of my own making. Why do I spend my time trying to not look like me, ( blonde hair, makeup, surgery, etc) and filled with fear about it? I changed. Changed what? Who I am. How can I?

I am not alone. I belong to something higher and better. I see what the illusion has made of my life.

This is not my world. Why pretend? I do not even know why I am here. This is not home to me. Its illusion. I have a job here, and what, to love and forgive and make right? Or to be happy?

I want to be inspired , in the spirit..alive and wanting to be with people and out and about, instead of in bed all evening with E! tv. That is not life. Drudgery in an office is neither.

The ego is in opposition to what I really am. Fundamentally irreconcilable. They want separation, very frightening. Why?

I want to learn about change and I want to heal others. Heal myself that way. I want a complete body, mind and soul. I do not want to be guardian of my mind anymore. I give it up to LOVE.
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My fears have been a bulwark to real life.

I do not want to believe in scarcity. I want to work on my projection. I do not want to sacrifice anything. That is not necessary. I want to have a pure mind. Innocence is strength. Evil does not exist. Nothing can destroy truth. I want to believe that I am released from all errors. I want to believe this. I want to be perfect. Its where I belong , it is who I am.

I want to have a firm commitment to light. I want this to be total. Not partly but all of me. How do I only see what is true, what is good?

I want confidence...in others..that they are all in their right mind. I want to do everything for love. Truth overcomes error. I want to see truth. I do.

 I really want to cancel misperceptions in others, do away with projection. Its all illusions. I need to straighten this out. I am filled with uncertainty. Certainty is strength.

How do I be certain of myself? by knowing others, seeing the good in others?

I do not want to attack mistakes in others for I always attack myself, I misperceive him, making him a stranger, He is not I know him. There are no strangers. Just what i know..I want to recognize everybody I come in contact with.

I doubt my talents and skills. I feel incapable even though I can do a million things and have many gifts. I feel meaningless inside about them, a split. If its easy to me, its no big deal.

I wish to be: married, kids, wealthy wife
I am: single, alone, unemployed...confused.

A divided mind, uncertain, what am I?
(I am out of accord, a stranger to myself. I am fear prone and attack myself. I feel afraid.)


Whereever there is pain I am wrong, misperceived and a misuse of my mind. I want to know how to change. My mind belongs to the eternal. I know it does. I have access to Zero Point. Spirit is all lightness. I like that Idea.

Knowledge does not do anything. It cannot always be remembered. Its the moment, the present, the will..There are some errors I still want. I am sure. But i want to correct it. I want misperceptions erased. i will it!

I want to make my own right choice with guidance of high power, right power, lightness. Bright and right mind so I can have rest!

When I make something to fill a lack, it means I believe in separation. Does that mean I don't wear clothes? What does that mean?

i want to make something of myself without being tricked by ego. I want to agree with myself as a perfect creation.

What am I? How do I perceive? Where is my image?

So there is nothing to know ( about me)? I can invent..but its open to mistakes. Its impossible. I AM ALREADY CONFUSED. I am ingenius, but dumb in this. I need to let it go. I need to ask myself for a miracle and hear myself pray for it.

I need to forgive my father. See him as perfect and all those things I imagined that happened, never did. They were lies I told myself.

 Does "More" or "Less"really exist, spiritually?  I want to know eternity and happiness. I want to correct how I see others, people I love, my surroundings. Heal everything in my mind with love and joy and erase fear.

Rejection of something in others is something I see as an illusion..does not exist, Or does not matter, if its right or wrong. I am placing a belief in the unreal. Reality is not mine to invent. You cannot judge love.
Its not dangerous but it seems that way to me. Intolerable, debilitating and cherished. Filled with guilt and fear its going to come back to me. That makes sense.

The root of all evil, is the authority problem of the ego, I read in the COM.. (That I am the creator of me). I believe I am the inventor or me and present it to others and fight others for ownership of my mind. But I did not create me. Like I said, i do not even want to be here..I did not create me. I belong to something bigger. I have a purpose..

I have to look on reality as all good and all right. Everyone is perfect. God, I want Peace! I imprison myself and others. I have the will to be free. I want to be complete and one with all of life and just obey my instincts and inner drive, not earthly things but higher jobs. To be LOVE. To be LOVE and inherit it.


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I do not want to bring hell fire into my mind, just love. I want to witness love. I do not want to think of me, me, me anymore. I want to give to others, heal others, and that is how I heal myself. I no longer want to hide anything. I want to be in communion with others and never hide anything.
I want to be filled with love. I want to have my spirit free. I want to see everything with love. I want to be aware of the spirit within by forgiving all and everything. There fore I am forgiven.

I want to be true and live truth. I want to feel I have everything and be restored completely. Just like when I was born. Born with nothing and everything. Protect me, spirit. I know I am.

Deprivation I want to abandon. I want to make miracles. Real ones. Who created me? I do not want to waste time. I want to use it for benefit of all.
Do I really have everything? I think so, it's a way of looking at it. I know that I belong to the love of the universe. I do not want to be deprived of anything. Or feel it. I want to feel I have everything.

Truth is eternal. What is truth again? Truth is not lying? Or LOVE?
I want to serve one master. Love. How do I place my soul in authority, the true authority of Love? I belong with it.
Stability. Its not on earth but in your soul.

I have to completely forgive everything and everyone.

I feel I want to be in a better place , does that mean...I have lack mentality? Yes. It does. What separation I feel in that. I do not want to perceive myself as lacking anymore.

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I no longer want to be a cailiff of life.

Atonement on the Web:

compensation for a wrong
What are my needs?

Do
 I really believe in fear? Maybe..things are real because
I make them?
Perfect love casts out fear? How do I attain that? By loving everything?

I want to create what is beautiful. There is no emptiess in me, I create that. I project what is wrong. If I believe some lack exists in me and I can fill it with outside stuff..

I am already created, I cannot create myself. I am what I am. I know who I am. Why try to be something else?


My errors never really occured..is this true? Wow what a concept. I want to be released from this dream, I am free. Whatever lies I believe..is my choosing. I want to be full of love.
I want to be peaceful..inside..

"Illness is external searching of something without". That is so true, how many times have I sought out there?

I do not want to acknowledge anything that can hurt me. I do not want to be afraid and value wrongly. I want to have complete peace. I want to correct error and darkness.

Nothing can hurt me that I have done ever.

What do I treasure? well my furniture and my clothes. They are important to me. I Treasure where I live,

Forgiving can only heal. How do I forgive? By making all errors I think happened against me, never happened? Hmm easy to say but to do? I wish it away. I want to fix all my mistakes. I want to go into the future and leave the past behind.

I do not want to be separated. I want to feel all of love and life. Happiness and Joy,

How do I look at my body as a temple? I eat right, really right..a temple to honor my higher power. I want to restore who I was when I came into this world, fearless.

There must be a better way to living. To my living. Something easier and nice. I want to be repaired and protected. By my higher power. Use my mind to serve it. No more discomfort. I want perfect trust!

ALl I should do is atone. Make right. Forgive. Love. Make right, release fear. See myself as perfect.

I never want to be afraid. I do not want to be lonely. I want to heal the separation and succeed.


How do I heal my life and myself? I want to be released from fear. Any fear. How can I even understand it when I do fear? Only my mind is capable of wrong..all healing is in the mind. The mind is the only level of creation...I cannot create outside of that.

Is it true my body makes its own illness? Lies of my mind do not exist.


So if correction belongs as the thought level then what do I think of?

I want to be in my right mind. How do I make right myself? I want to have contstructive powers.

I want to be helpful to others. I don't have to know. I will be told. I want to be wherever I am supposed to be. I will ask to be healed and be it. Is it my control? Or is it not? I want to give up fear. Gone. I want it. No more body thoughts!

I want to make the right choices. I want to change my thoughts about things and I am very willing. I need to change my mind..No more strain.

My mind and body should be in accord meaning I do things I do not want to do sometimes. I feel inner rage and fear when I cannot make up my mind and its split and behavior is erratic. I want to be on the right track. I want to do right. What I am here on Earth to do. Live joy and love.

When my mind is in conflict with doing and wanting are in conflict. There fore I need a unified goal. I have chose wrongly and chosen to hate and not love. From a child I have done this. I have lacked of Love. Perfect love.
That is how I should live.

So whereever I am afraid I have done something where I chosen out of love. and I need to heal it. I know I need a remedy. i want to accept it. In all my life. All corners of my mind.

What ARE the powers of my mind? I know its powerful and creative and creating all the time. My thoughts exist real influence. Sometimes I am afraid of them, yes, they can hurt. I know it works though and I should respect it.

All thinking produces life normally, even my dreams.

 I can only ask myself to get rid of fear. I have to do it, Myself. Guard my thoughts I have to. I am not used to miracles. I want to think that way.

I need to understand what cause and effect is. I want to choose miracles and reject fear in doing so, I have been so scared of everyone. Even myself. Life too. i have made a prison. My thoughts scared me, I REALLY saw it all wrong and was in pain.

So creation is love and miscreation is fear? Miscreation.. creating something bad. I cannot master fear. I have tried. I need to fix with LOVE.
I have believed in what does not exist. Whatever is not love does not exist if that makes sense. Love is everything , light banished darkness.

I do not want to concentrate on wrong stuff. Just fixing it. I want to atone for everything. No compromise. EVERYTHING. Give it up.

Other people. I need to heal others too , to heal myself. Which is what I want. Maybe it comes through that gateway. Treat people with real respect. I want to choose in right. I am ready. I am willing.

I never made this, myself or my life. I don't even want to be here. I have a purpose I know it!

I want to emerge from my conflict. I say I do! I want to be free and love and set free, I want to see the universe. Not fear and people who scare me.

What Is worthy to me? Things I own. not but alot.

What is false and what is true? Well, what is good is true. I want to be good. I want to be alive. I want to be living. I want to be it so bad. I want to remember all that is good that I created. I want to judge myself. As loveable.

How can I keep only the loveable about me>? That is so new and foreign.
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How do I release my inner light? To be whole with others. Rejuvenated.

I like the fact that I really cannot create anything, and when I do, I am filled with fear about it. That is my life.

I do not love what I made, or create and neither does what I made love me. Even the self I made does not love me.

Only others appreciate my art, creations and talents.

The mirror doesn't like what I have made.  Even the self I made I cannot stand. That is Ego thinking. "The drive to get". Yes, the ego is not my self.

My true self is my link to my higher power. Light happiness and joy. My purpose and my job to heal minds and to atone everything for everybody, to give it out love and correct. It feels good to do that.

Giving is not sacrifice. Giving to get, is what I have done in the past. Egos are not real. Its not , not me at all.

The self I wish to be, does not exist, only what I am exists.

I am not on my own, like I think I am, in his fearful state looking for other created beings to attack and attach to. (Beings people cannot stand themselves either.)

But the spirit inside is free. My soul is free, when it forgives all and sees the good. I want to heal and be beautiful in life, instead of fear and age into death. I want to choose life in every minute and seeing the right way of things. Thinking and controlling what I think.

Who is the me living in this world? I give up creating. I just am, and know what to do inherently. My job on Earth..I am heaven, I am everything, in heaven and the real ME is total bliss. Everything else I have done has separated me from it, every choice, away from it.  I am protected.

Only my will can guide me. I do not want to block lightness. I want to let it in. No more fear.

I don't want to be here Anymore, I want to be somewhere with love and happiness. I do not want to be responsible for the trinkets I own and the life I have created which I hate and hates me. I want something better. I want to have everything and be it.

 But "getting" implies a lack, so I mean that I want to be a kingdom inside myself, not without. Peace. LOVE.

I want to atone everybody from inside out.. Love and heal whatever I look upon. I feel an inner voice. I want to follow an inner voice, not my ego's getting and stress.

Depression means being deprived of something I want and do not have. But in reality I am not deprived of anything.

I need to choose love. My ego is to blame for all my sins, meaning that which I have hurt, others or myself. I give these thoughts up, they are not mine to deal with.

Nothing is worth all the effort I have made it to be. Life is super easy, To gladden myself I have refused all Oops in the past. I need to step away from anything that hurts me, thoughts that is. I need to heal, And judge that way, Judge good.

My higher mind is what I need to nurture. My lower mind is my ego's. I want to travel into the higher part. How do I do this? Meditation, and listening to and for it?

The body is the ego's home C.O.M. says. Yet the ego hates the body thinking its not good enough to be its home.

Where can I go for protection? I have to seek it, want it. Then I will find it.

I want to know my purpose and have myself be directed. I need to know what my future is Where should I go?

How much of my thinking is ego directed? Ego is a part of my belief about myself. Illusions. Masks. Wishes. Bricks on bricks. But yet I know who I am. It's not that at all.

I want joy not disaster. I want to learn through rewards.

The ego and the spirit do not know each other. I just need to choose a higher way, a better choice in decisions. Love, happiness, healing and forgiveness.

I am not an ego. I know this. The line is so thin as of yet.  I need to want this to be shown to me.

I am grateful for everything and everyone in my life. Love sets all things right. I know this.

I want to approach others, not withdraw and hide, and disengage. I want to go to others. Learn from them. Not just hang out indoors all day watching Crime shows.

My job on Earth is what I want to do. I want to feel joy and love. Happiness like a child's. I do want revelation. I want to give it to others.

It's whats been given to me thought the years. People have been kind and loving to me, I have remembered it every time. I am so grateful.

I must be happy to be right. No more fear, Just a state of love. Love and joy are the same. To heal and make happy is my job, my real job. Here on Earth.

When people think nice things of me, it helps me, I feel it, I would like to return it. I want to be beautiful.

Healing is making two minds become one. COM says. That is bliss I know it. How do I be this all the time around others?

I want to share ideas that are great. The world is ideas, and I want the best!

Thoughts increase by telling people about them, not keeping to yourself. I have to invite these great ideas to me. I have to look for them. ASK.

Like that morning in my room when all was black and I was depressed, aching, in misery, I asked for a better way, out loud. I felt I had an audience, didn't know what it was.. and that's when I felt something WITH me. ( it was me, strange as that is...but from way way above..like a doorway that was opened. I felt high as if on a drug.)
I felt the door to it wide open, and then it shut after we were "done"and back into reality

It didn't say anything...but it was definitely listening.

But right after that I learned that I have to be selfless and serve others. I was like WHAT? that is so against how I have been. But I learn more and more everyday. Its about joy and love.


From there I got messages from everywhere.

Plus..Joy, internal happiness, Bliss and health followed.

I went to Puerto Rico and told someone about it, who told me she was so jealous, that was " The voice" she said, my higher power. I didn't;t believe it, I never believed in that stuff. "Feelings and spiritual stuff". Now I am with all these ideas from others and from books.

Two voices within me, one I made myself, and the other given to me, asking I listen. I have to choose. I need practice and willingness to learn. I have to do it.

I have let dark thoughts take me. I have let it sweep me away. I need to choose. I know now.


What do you think?
 -

 I saw Pamela Anderson. Wearing a cap and very skinny.  I also walked right by her car, she rolled the window down, I looked right at her. I was afraid to take her photo. My companion said I was hotter.

Allot of paparazzi where ever I went they walked in front of me, to look to see if I was someone famous. I was dressed super casual.

I was only there 2 hours, my high heels hurt me.

I brought in my cell phone to take photos. My usb port doesn't work so I have to send these from my cell phone.

So many cool people were there, I think the coolest in the world. Its the best artists of our day. Everyone was there. I would tell my companion to ask the artist how much a piece was.
$75,000 was an average!!!

/

Cute
Image033 by you.

Lunch break, I picked at a salad with no dressing .. mm
not real exciting.
Image036 by you.
I come out of my cave and I am surprised, people really fret over me.
The working people, even the visitors were speaking to me, flirting In French and
whatever I wanted I had two/three people helping me. I never go out. Not used to it.
 I was getting first class service wherever I went.




Tons of European men were staring at me at the art show
 and stopping right front of me to get my attention. I had to walk around them.
Must be the Champagne.

I was so embarrassed I was with a companion who looked at me and said,  "..IT is an honor to be seen with YOU and you are so, so beautiful.. YOU are beauty!"...Was she serious? Scary. Not how I see myself. I wish it were so , so bad.

My friend on South Beach who gets invited to Playboy mansion parties to work them (super fine)   told me I would be able to get in " for SURE" to the Mansion.  I do not believe it but when people tell me that kind of stuff it scary, if they only knew..
 I think, actually..I hate myself in the mirror. No, I really do not like my face or hair. I get so sad because I am not pretty, to myself.. that is my Reality.

Just goes to show I will never find happiness in anything outside myself, my image included.

Imagine all the parties on Miami beach now!! Its just not my scene. I don't drink or eat regular human death food. I can't even travel to see my sister because I am too attached to my indoor garden.
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"Forgiveness is making that which you think happened , never happened.."
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I feel different these days, like I do not belong to the outside world, but really happy in the inner world. I know that is where love is and where my home is, where I belong.

I never asked to be born. If you ask me I would say no, no thank you, please I will pass on being born... I just want to stay here in the ether where all is love and I am with the source of all love.

 I mean, here I am put on this planet with no direction, I mean, what AM I supposed to do?
Who is my guide?

I know whatever I create or where ever I go, I am bored with. I KNOW it is not the answer. So I give up.

I have to listen to my inner higher power. I guess though meditation, ask it, " What is my plan?" Trust me, if I knew, I would do it!

Are we supposed to know? Are we supposed to worry so much about life? I would rather not. Maybe doing less is better.

Other people, they do not know either.

I know I will never find happiness in other people. My past will never be fixed, because its not broken, its perfect and all for me.

All I want is to heal and love others with nothing asked for in return. I want miracles to happen through meeting others. I want to see the gods in them. That they lost touch with , I want to remind people.


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I am interested in finding the source. The source of what will give me whatever it is I want, all pleasure, all winning, all success, the best I can be. That is the ego. That is my ego shadow. It is unreal, but real, it is there but not. The best this planet has to offer. Beauty, wealth, protection from man of power. Who could that man of power be who would protect me and take care of everything.

I envy sources like Edgar Cayce. How is it I can access this info he has, and why is it that he gets headaches if he uses his power for selfish means, aren't selfish means the best, the highest?

I want to live in luxury, protected by a powerful man. I want to be the trophy wife. I want to have discussions with my higher power. Ask it things. Why is it that material things are bad, shouldn't I live my life the way I dream it? I will find happiness in my dream, I think about it nonstop. I want to be the dream I dream I am.

I want to be famous, infamous or whatever, I want to be loved by others and admired for my beauty and for my position. A wife to a very powerful man. One who takes care of me and gives me everything I could ever ask for? In return I give him sex. It would have to be unusually more sex than any woman gives off. I want to be like Marilyn Monroe and be Venus. I would really like to see how far I go if I do become Venus.

I would like to follow Ayn Rand's teachings. I would like to be what I want to be, what I am inside my head, its highest. I want to be sexual like Marilyn and be infamous like that. I want for once to dominate and be loved by every man in my past and future. Is it possible to fix the past like that, to be adored as a kid and loved and given everything like a princess and be given romance at an early age? It is what I truly wanted.
To be loved heart body and soul.

I want to win. My existence now is just not good enough for me. I want something different much much better, higher and more of me. What I truly am. I want to win this game of life. I want to win it. I want to only trust myself and my own journey.

I also want to be superhuman like. I want to know for sure where I am going is the right way.

Ayn Rand might have spoken from the ego herself, who knows, The truth is I am a woman of the ego. I really am. I think it is the best thing on Erath, the self I could be.

Edgar cayce who had enormous power said we need to give up self interest.

I go back and forth on this, should I live my life helping other people? Why doesn't that make me happy? Is this something I do for others and they do for me, what i want?

What direction will I go in, the ego, sex, others?

What is right and wrong? When I listen to Ayn Rand it makes such perfect sense. Yet I look at her life and well, we are different people with different desires..in my case I would like to be like Marilyn Monroe.

What did Marilyn Monroe do? She had many lovers, many. She slept with guys who would help her out for money. But what was her guiding force? Was it her ego? Was it the ego she had? What was in her brain? How could one be so beautiful, so 100% loved by everyone who looks at her. Desired by 100% of people who look at her. She was sexually attracted to every person, men and women. They worshipped her, they told her things, they loved her. Everyone wanted to help her for the sex she gave them, psychically, I assume.

Ayn Rand was flawless human. I think of her and I think integrity to her ego. Where she is now, dead where we will all be of course. But she really inspired people to be the best ego.

Meanwhile the Course of Miracles trances say that the ego is bad and we need to forgive one another. I can forgive others, because I think that is good. Ayn Rand didn't.

What did Ayn have to guide her, was it herself? How? I need to find out these things, I want to find the source of all things good. I want to be a superhuman.

To be that, I have to start being a man, or woman. The ego.
Is the ego evil or is the negation of the self what is good?

How come I am not the beautiful girl I wish to be, have I lost focus with my guide that would show me how to get there? My guide would be my ego, that girl I met in that drawing I drew I lost at my place in Craig's basement. My god, how valuable was that drawing, I would pay anything to have it back. I should try to recreate it, it seemed to come directly from my unconscious, a perfect creation. It was so beautiful. It was me. the best of me.

But nowhere in the drawing is anyone else. I am alone, but i am obviously taken care of by something else because I live in a glamorous place. She is the one I have to talk to to bring down into this world. She was pefect. I was attached to her in that drawing. I have tried to recreate it since and there is always something not right in the drawing.

I need to find the highest source of life for me., the ticket to all my dreams, the thing , the ticket there to this material Earth. i cannot spend my life in a sort of waiting to get there, like purgatory. I have to get there. I have to be there, I have a guide an angel, a shadow of the best of me and the me if all my dreams came true and I had everything i could ever want or be. the best of me.

That is my guide. Now how do I contact this thing?

Also how can I communicate with my higher power? I have been talking to it, but I do not think it has been successful, nothing I asked for I got. I have searched everywhere and asked, and I have gotten some interesting answers, not the ones I wanted. Not the ones that produced results. I have to follow what is inside me, not what is outside.

Do I create a dialogue with my goddess? I know what my goddess looks like. I focus on her and ask questions?

I would ask, what can I do to be where you are, which is where i want to end up, do you have an answer for me, do you know things? What is all the things you have, I see it in my mind and it is where i want to be, it is home for me. I know it is I have had the same images and dreams for so long. I know its home for me, I know its me at my highest, who I really am. It's where I want to be and I know who it is I want to be with.

I know who he is. Can he be a guide for me as well, can I ask him questions? Like Where can I find you, do you love me? Can you rescue me, can you save me? Can you find me here in reality?

My goddess wears precious jewelry and has delicate clothes, beautiful gowns, long lustrous hair and beautiful face that is perfectly matched with the other side.

I have been introduced with cause and effect through foods. If I eat something a certain thing happens. Not in all cases but in most. Same thing with life. I need to do certain things to get results. I want results, I set things in motion by asking, by reaching out, by requesting it.

I want to find out what works. So I ask again, what is it that will work, I have tried asking myself, a higher power, and now my ego. How do I get my ego's attention? Is there a name?

It's a one sided street, I am not able to access my unconcious. I would have to be hypnotized maybe. Maybe I can look into that when i have some money.

Also do I have a specific guide to show me the way? How do i access her ? This goddess, just by imagining and talking to it? How do i get answers back? How do I get messages and the answers I ask? In dreams?

I have had dreams where a website was spelled out for me, but I forgot upon waking. i need to write down all dreams. Practice it. Dreams are pretty close to communicating to my higher mind.

My higher mind I assume knows everything and the answer to all. I would like to know. Why is it that info is not easily accessible to us? Why even possibly not given to us for selfish means, as some say? Why not to help us? To help me. I. I like I . It is beautiful. The"  I " I want to be is amazing, that I is my dream and my passion.

 For once, I would like all my dreams to come true. For once, this existence I have lived I have not done it right, whatever IT is. I have tried to find out. I knew that i was special from an early time. i knew it. But special at what? I have no clue.

I know the I is beautiful. She is graceful and wears beautiful dresses. Her skin is flawless, she has a fund or money, so much she doesnt have to ever worry about it, She is married or taken care of by a very powerful man, her hair is natural, she wears banhs, she is skinny, she is pure and good, and like an angel. She hangs out indoors alot. She has a big house, maybe mansion or huge condo in a big city. The furniture is glamorous. Pieces of art hang everywhere.

How did she get there?