Thursday, September 26, 2013

September 26 2013. My I came a long way.

I watched this documentary. I love it.
 I Am so into Victorians. I mean I am obsessed.  I also watching part 2
Today I had avocados, druian smoothies. I do not have any greens in the house. I snacked on some curry sprouted almonds I got in the Madison coop in Seattle. I would like to keep records of everything. I want to be neat. I want to write in books, everything , meticulously recorded..

Its amazing where raw vegan has taken me. But since I moved to Washington State things are just not the same. My life seems stale. I fight all the time with my boyfriend. I am not happy. I feel loss of control. I can go on and on. I miss being all raw. I keep trying, I keep trying, the weeks and months go by, but something in just not the same. I guess I been raw so long, and now two pregnancies and going back and forth and I mean really falling. I have found myself in a place where I am not improving even if I am raw for weeks or months. I guess I want the answer again. I want life to be given to me. I know raw is the answer. It is just too hard right now. But I must I must push myself to be inspired. That is how I feel. I just want beauty. A life of beauty and I have to fight for it.

I am reading my old diaries I deleted. I really should re post them and change all names. All photos have been destroyed. I found this quote.

To quote Voltaire* :.......There appeared at Court in the reign of Henry the 4th and Louise the 13th, a knight with every apearance of physical and mental perfection who looked like a man of 40. His name was the Count of St. Germain. The surprising thing about him was that he remembered all the events of houndry and fifty yrs before. There was nothing mysterious about it, because to quote Francis Bacon"s passage :.....Whenever he was invited out to suppers and dinners he touched nothing except fruit and only very little of it"

I also am interested in spirituality. I have been all over it. I even joined a cult and done some crazy things with my mind. I love spirituality. I love positive affirmations. I like beautiful thoughts. Even pleidian poets I subscribed to. My life is not just about raw food.
Here is a video of me on youtube
I like this quote from my diary when I was a fruit eater
I feel so good. I do. It's the first day I feel fruit sugar blood in me after 4 days. Goes right to my brain. My god. I want to dance, make love, go to Europe or Iceland. I just might. I feel like it. I feel out of my mind happy. I want to stay up all night or even if I sit at home and watch tv I will be grooving.
 I hope I make it in life. I do. I just want the best so bad. Wow. my life is a challenge, overcoming challenges and dealing with every obstacle with childish love.
I do will I possibly get what I want in life? IS it possible? I mean, is it really? For me?
I love gothic music, I love beautiful ladies like Gitane Demone and Lana Del Ray, Mazzy Star
I want to go fruity again. Is it possible. It will be hard. like changing all my bad habits. My tea and my cacao. My bottled juices and Kombucha. My restaurant salads. My glass of hard apple cider or champagne. My bad shampoos and conditioners. Hair dye. ETC My addiction to this drama around me. My kids, my boyfriend, cooked food all around me, being prepared in my face. My family is cooked. I will do this, because I know its a way out from all this. It is. I have come a long way back from where I was. I want to be closer to light. I want to do and be good. Help people, inspire and radiate love.

Oh I also had a bedroom-birth. DO you want to see a video? It may be graphic to some.  Its at the end.

Anyways, I want to be and am raw. But I am more than that. I had a blog 100% of raw food when I was raw, but over the years there is way more than just raw food. There is spirituality for me. Drawing, art, love, novels, and my netflix and youtube. My Anais Nin journals and my obsession with La Belle Epoch and all things courtesan. Thats me. And my gothy music.

I am juicing beets apples etc. I know its boring to me now.  Its just how I eat. And also a cacao bar and having some kale chips I am making later on. I cant wait to start posting bikini pics like all my raw food friends on facebook do. Cant wait. I am done with devolving.
I am ill. I am. My back hurts, my expression is hard. When I see myself in photos, I do not know who that is anymore. I want to go back to all fruit. I need to know this is it for me. It really is and I have said this so many times. I have so many distractions. But if it helps, I quit my job and broke up with my boyfriend today. We wrote a contract too. I am doing it. We are just raising kids together. As friends. Maybe I should not post things too personal like this, but it is my diary.

I keep looking on the internet under raw food and how times change. Everyone makes history as it happens. People come and go and its all so quick. I was talking today to an ex wife of a raw food guru who apparently is now going around saying raw food is bad. A total pioneer, turned. Funny.

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